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Post by Estelle de Cher on Nov 11, 2008 1:49:43 GMT -5
so last night, i finally finished reading this HORRIBLE book for english, entitled ethan frome. in all honesty, it was pretty damn terrible; our teacher had even warned us about how bland it was going to be, but i didn’t think it was just going to be all-around awful. take, for instance, ethan’s wife zeena, the prickly hypochondriac bitch. nothing ever happens to her that i found enjoyable. she didn’t die from any mentally-induced illnesses, or get trampled by horses. she just was a bitch. at least she didn’t get her way when she wanted mattie, her cousin who had previously been living in poverty, to leave.
oh, i forgot to mention the whole plot of the story. simply put, it’s about this guy who falls in love with his wife’s cousin. i don’t blame him, though. compared to zeena, mattie is a freaking saint. ethan pretty much just married zeena because he was lonely after his mother died. see, before zeena became a huge bitch, she was a smart person who knew all about this medical shit. but when zeena married ethan, she started coming down with all of these ‘illnesses.’ the worst part is when zeena blames ethan’s mother for making her so sickly. i was like, ‘hey tardface! you can’t contract every disease forever from one person!’ well, you kinda can. but keep in mind that this book took place in, like, the 1890’s.
so at the end of the book , zeena is all like,’harr durr durr, i’m sending mattie away because she’s just a moocher!’ and ethan’s like, ‘durr murr uhh, whatever shall i do? stand up to my wife? i can’t do that! leave her? i can’t do that neither!’ and mattie is all like, ‘HARF! hey ethan, why don’t we kill ourselves by riding this sleigh we found into that big elm tree!’ ethan responds with a, ‘guuuuuhh... great idea!’ so they do it.
in vain!
it doesn’t kill them. it leaves ethan with a limp, and mattie paralyzed and sour. zeena—the SAINT that she is—allows her paralyzed cousin to live with them, and in the end, nobody is happy. except for the cat who broke the pickle dish.
so like mah frenn christa, i shall write and alternate ending as well! but i’m not going to prose it because this book doesn’t deserve and alternate ending with effort!
mattie: hey, you know what ethan? i have and even better idea! instead of killing ourselves by way of sleigh ride, why don’t we just shank zeena?
ethan: whoa! cool idea! but what if we get caught?
mattie: we won’t get caught! it’s the 1890’s!
ethan: point taken! let’s go!
the horse: srsly guys, let’s gtfo. i’m fucking freezing!
mattie: whoa, did that horse just talk!?
ethan: i dunno, i was too busy staring at your ass through them petticoats!
// LATER AT THE FROME HOUSE //
zeena: hey! where’s that mail-order nurse you were supposed to pick up, ethan!? and what is this skank still doing here?
ethan: i dunno!
mattie: *SHANK*
ethan: ahhh! mattie! you accidentally shanked me instead! *dies instantly*
mattie: oh no! *her head implodes because it can no longer handle its own stupidity*
zeena: haha, fuckers! *spontaneously combusts*
the cat: finally, these bastard are gone for good! i get to raid the baskin robbins!
THE END :} |
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Post by Horatio de Mare on Nov 11, 2008 16:42:26 GMT -5
aaahahahaha *clap clap clap*
i don't think i'll ever read that book though XD
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Post by Adwen Earna on Nov 15, 2008 2:17:36 GMT -5
I can say I unfortunately either read or pretended to read that book. It sucks. My alternate ending: IT WAS NEVER WRITTEN!
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Post by Estelle de Cher on Nov 17, 2008 16:05:20 GMT -5
DON'T READ IT AHHHHH!
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lol. awesome ending. xDDD
just tear a hole in the space-time continuum.
that'll certainly make things interesting. |
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Post by Vlad Dracul III on Nov 19, 2008 23:03:37 GMT -5
Definitely sounds even worse than the books my school makes me read, and those are pretty awful! I liked your ending better than theirs though, without a doubt. Wonder what that book did to deserve to be read by students everywhere, or at least at your school...
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Post by Estelle de Cher on Nov 20, 2008 16:03:09 GMT -5
lol, thank you <33. & i dunno...
maybe they were impressed by the death-by-boredom toll that the book was racking up.
the school hates us!
so we're supposed to do a satirical projct in english based on the book we've read.
naturally, my friends and i decided to do it on ALL of them.
i even came up with the title:
The Fall of the Raven into the Crucible of Young Ethan Van Winkle's Black Letter
fall of the house of usher + the raven + the black cat + the crucible + ethan frome + young goodman brown + the scarlet letter + rip van winkle |
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